Remembering the years past: "I am your God"





“Fear not for I am your God”.

Its 2008. After years of yearning, planning and praying. Paco and I have finally decided to go back home for good. Home is the Philippines….that is in Mindanao. Bukidnon.

It has always been Paco’s earnest heart desire to do farming. And I support him wholeheartedly.




Things are going well according to plan. I have just finished a Post Doc contract. Kai has just finished her course. Kim is now in Uni. And I had just finished my 5 years of medical checkup with which the specialist declared that “ I am cancer-free”.

I am excited of the idea of working on some projects at home. I also look forward to possibilities of participating in student ministry activities, having always enjoyed teaching and helping students.

But it wasn’t meant to be!

I just learned that my liposarcoma has metastasized. MRI, CT scans, bone x-rays and medical assessments indicated that this malignant tumor was inoperable. It ensheathed the sciatic nerve. …that explains the agonizing, indescribable pain in my left lower back.

That meant shelving temporarily our plans. I had to stay put in NZ for cancer treatments.

The term liposarcoma had always eluded me. It was the word inoperable and incurable that rang the loudest. On the drive home from the orthopaedic clinic, I was wondering how a believer should react in times like this?…

Had no time to ponder. I sobbed my heart out. Shock? Fear? Sadness? I don’t know. A feeling of helplessness maybe, and disappointment, wondering what went wrong ?

Kim (my son, who accompanied me to the doctor) was such a comfort. He prayed with me. I started to thank God in light of I Thessalonians 5.18 “ to give thanks in all circumstances”(…although I didn’t feel thankful at the time but I was not bitter and resentful). Kim acknowledged the mighty power of God , His Sovereignty…that He is in control so we need have no fear. Saddened by the news but never felt defeated, we ( Paco, myself, Khai and Kim) looked up to the Lord and felt God’s comfort from His Word. We were strengthened by praying together, believing and claiming His promises. One is I peter 2:24 ( “He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed).

Months of radiation and chemotheraphy treatments followed and through all these, we always have to look back and be sustained by the truth in Isaiah 41.10. The passage had always been a source of strength and comfort for me and my whole family throughout the previous years. Truly, the Word of God is living and powerful.

“Fear not for I am your God”. A very comforting word to be reminded that my God is the Sovereign, Almighty God. He speaks and things happen. How can I fear the unknowns of tomorrow with the assurance that He is in control of all things. I may be down and my family is as helpless but our God is not. He promised to strengthen, help and uphold me.

How can I be dismayed? He is the God who speaks and the storm calmed down. I was reminded of the song “ there is no mountain so high, God can not move it…”. . Be not dismayed. My God, who is a powerful God will help and strengthen me.

Jesus calms the storm

Remembering the years past: Jesus calms the storm

11 May 2004

Matt 8: 23-27 You of little faith, why are you so afraid?"

There are times in our lives when we find ourselves in difficult and seemingly overwhelming situations. In times like these, we feel so helpless. We often look up to God for help and being so self absorbed, find Him so far and uncaring to have allowed us to be in such situations in the first place. Just like the disciples, we often blurt out, Don’t you care Lord that we are “drowning”?

When Jesus and his disciples went into a boat to go to the other side of the lake, they found themselves caught up in the middle of a sudden furious storm. I would have thought that had they been on the ground and with a warning they would have run for a shelter, settled in a safe place and would probably stayed there until the storm abated. As it was, they were in the thick of it without any sign of a way out. They did what was the natural thing to do, look up to the leader and let him make the decision. Jesus was sleeping and appeared to be uncaring of what will happen to them. Whatever they may have been expecting Jesus to do, I thought it was not to rebuke the storm, but Jesus rebuked the storm! And the disciples were amazed.

It is so easy to panic and worry when we get ourselves in trouble. Sometimes the gravity of the situation overwhelms us and we often feel so alone and that God does not care. But Jesus cares. “You men of little faith, why are you so afraid?” God wants us to trust in Him and believe that even in the middle of impossibly difficult circumstances, He is perfectly in control. As Isaiah 26:3 says, “Thou dost keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee because he trusts in thee”. It is only when we are focused unto Him that we will understand how His mighty power overcomes all things, however big and difficult they may seem to us.

The heavens declare God's glory

Remembering the years past: The heavens declare God’s glory


July 19, 2004


Psalms 19:1 “The heavens declare the glory of God. The skies proclaim the work of his hands”.

We are, at present, in the middle of the winter season here in NZ. The temperature in Palmy dips down to 2 in the early hours of the morning. Probably not very cold compared with other temperate countries but freezing cold for us, who have lived most of our lives in tropical climate. As it was in the previous days, it is so difficult to wake up and leave the comforts of a warm bed in the morning (although, as I think back, when was it ever so easy for me to leave the comforts of my bed in the morning). As usual, I was still curled up in bed at 8:00. I hear Paco moving about and waking me up since 7 AM. Bless him.


I was finally up at 8:10, and prepared for the day. I have missed Kim leaving for school. He bikes his way to school almost everyday. I heard him above my head and felt him kissing me goodbye. I finally had to uncurl myself, leave the beckoning bed and prepared for my day. Have donned 3 layers of clothing . On my way to work. I am still thinking about the warmth of the bed. I have a vague remembrance of the frost-covered grasses, the rays of sunlight streaming through the fog, the children walking to school. I missed a lot of things. If I am asked to recall five things that I noticed this morning , I would have answered none. I was so caught up in feeling the ‘nippiness’ of the day and the difficulty of having to drive against what I thought was a glaring light.

I have reached the AgResearch Levy Bldg,still grumbling about the cold day. As I sat down and started to reflect about what I am going to do for the day, I opened my bible for a brief glance at my passage for the day, Psalms 19:1.

“The heavens declare the glory of the Lord and the skies proclaim the work of his hands”.

The bible talks about a magnificent God who have created these natural things around me, of which I am grumbling about. The sky is proclaiming the work of His hands. As I looked out of the window, what a nice beautiful day, INDEED! to wake up to after having been so refreshed and strengthened through the night. How majestic is God’s work, who have created the changing seasons and the changing sceneries. No one cant just miss experiencing His power by looking at the heavens and the sky and the earth. Be it through the serenity and beauty or the raging power of nature, God is wonderful and mighty powerful.

What about my life? What does it say about my creator? Does it declare a wonderful, caring, powerful God?

As always, I am humbled by the knowledge about a mighty God and my nothingness apart from Him.

Remembering the years past: God’comforting presence

1st of a series about my walk with God through a valley

This was written in the year 2003

Isaiah 41:10 has always been a source of encouragement and comfort to me. I learned and quoted this verse since I was a university student with a habit of mentally picturing myself being held in God’s mighty Hand. Thus being assured of God”s presence, I have always enjoyed peace and quietness of heart in the most trying and difficult times.

Fear not for I am with you, Be not dismayed for I am your God, I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

This same verse has lifted our spirits and upheld me and my family during the past ten months since I was diagnosed with liposarcoma, a cancer in soft tissues, in my left leg.

My first reaction when the doctor diagnosed the lump as cancerous was not fear or dismay but more of nonbelief and sadness; “surely not this seemingly harmless lump. It happen to others but not to me, Lord. my family will be devastated if I die this early and so sudden.” I am not the reactive type of person. I often respond to anything after some lapse of time, that is, after thinking through any word or action done. As I heard the word cancer, however, I had this aweful feeling of sadness and helplessness. Its amazing how the brain can conjure up so many scenarios, not very good ones, in such times.

Just as equally amazing, God’s word was such a comfort when I turned my mind to Him. Be not dismayed, for I am your God. Indeed, how can I be dismayed when the God who controls the universe is in perfect control of my life?

I often wondered how people diagnosed with cancer and debilitating disease feel. Now I know! With no assurance of medical cure, one feels helpless. One just cant do anything within human power and resources. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. I felt so blessed that I know the Lord personally and that I can avail of His immense resources. In the past months, my family and I have experienced God’s mighty hand at work. Throughout the treatment process which included radiation and surgical operation, the Lord has shown us His mighty power. He has mercifully encouraged and strengthened us, graciously provided for our needs and miraculously worked through the people, the treatments and circumstances for my healing. While I was going through my radiation treatment, my heart goes out for the others (a lot of whom show more advanced state of the illness in different forms) and I often found myself praying for these people, that they too will find comfort in the God of the universe.

At present, I am “medically” declared free of cancer cells but I have to go through a regular medical followup for the next 5 years. A comforting thought for me and my family. Looking back to the past months, I wouldn’t have willed to have a cancer, but at the same time I wouldn’t have wanted to miss anything that I have learned and experienced. I pray that I would always continue to hunger for God’s presence and experience His mighty power.